I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I could wade into this river, let my sins drown to the bottom, let the waters carry me someplace far. Someplace with no ghosts, no memories, and no sins.

I don't try to knock people out, but I have the ability to press him and get the cheese.

Those are more universal things than some of the characters I play, who are slightly sociopathic. I keep reminding people I can do ordinary.

I was a choir boy for 3 years in high school at St. George's in Newport, Rhode Island.

And when I look back I recognize now that I indeed do come from a large family of artists. Whether they necessarily realize it or not.

He had no failings which were not owing to a noble cause; to an ardent, generous, perhaps an immoderate passion for fame; a passion which is the instinct of all great souls.

To have a quiet mind is to possess one's mind wholly; to have a calm spirit is to possess one's self.

To romp along the connected rooftops and fire escapes of Chicagos second city of garages was my young lifes passion.

Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic-this is the spiritual path.

The thing that I'm just scared to death of is that someday I'm going to wake up and bore somebody with a film.