I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

And thus, the actions of life often not allowing any delay, it is a truth very certain that, when it is not in our power to determine the most true opinions we ought to follow the most probable.

If you want to kill someone and get away with it, become a cop.

I wanted [photography] to be more than a document, to be something that is as close as you could possibly be to the subject.

I used my instincts. It's very easy to imagine how you'd feel, actually. I just had to tell the narrative.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

Whatsoever is worthy of their love is worth their anger.

Why was it that when noughts committed criminal acts, the fact that they were noughts was always pointed out? The banker was a Cross. The newsreader didn't even mention it.

Every nation at the end of the day must fend for itself. Sometimes, it needs help. And Ukraine deserves all the help in the world.

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.

You can’t say yes to every role and you have to make people miss you. I don’t want people to get sick of me.