I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

The quality of time you are able to concentrate and use to produce values is what determines your greatness.

Every Anglophile has his own private England which is, of course, unrecognizable to the English.

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

What I'm after is not living to 1, 000. I'm after letting people avoid death for as long as they want to.

Happy accidents are real gifts, and they can open the door to a future that didn't even exist. It's kind of nice sometimes to set up something to encourage or allow happy accidents to happen.

This tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness

I wanted to destroy everything beautiful I'd never have.

We always believe God is like ourselves, the indulgent think him indulgent and the stern, terrible.

In England, nobody's your friend.

Im not a part of the glamour industry. I would like to focus on my game, and there are minimal chances of me getting into films.