I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

O God give me enough grace for my daily work.

Home is where you feel loved, and homeland is where you love.

Jihadis have a better bureaucracy than India.

You don't have to do everything; just do what really matters.

There is a chasm between knowledge and ignorance which the arches of science can never span.

It can't be any simpler: the farewell is going to be on the Champs-Elysees.

Admittedly, scientific authority is not distributed evenly throughout the body of scientists; some distinguished members of the profession predominate over others of a more junior standing.

But now I knew that true love was above all that and that it would be better to die than to fail to love.

Actually, your soul and mine are the same. We appear and disappear with each other.

I smoked some pot as a kid, but I just never did drugs.