I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I would have praised you more had you praised me less.

Fullness is always quiet; agitation will answer for empty vessels only.

Nothing, indeed, but the possession of some power can with any certainty discover what at the bottom is the true character of any man.

I don't think I ever really decided I was an artist. I went to college to learn how to think and look at art. In the end, I developed a more sophisticated misunderstanding of art.

Fame is not just. She never finely or discriminatingly praises, but coarsely hurrahs.

Iran has a dismal record on human rights.

Lord, make me a blessing to someone today

The senses, being the explorers of the world, open the way to knowledge.

I can only tell you this-I would rather have taste than either love or money.