I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Alas, between the “shouldn’t” and the “shouldn’t have”—that is precisely where life happens.

I made myself famous by writing 'songs' and lyrics about the beauty of the things I did and ugliness, too.

Japanese people tend to be much better adjusted to the notion of work, any kind of work, as honorable.

'Bombay Velvet' is my first film in a trilogy about Bombay, before it became a metropolis.

If most traders would learn to sit on their hands 50 per cent of the time, they would make a lot more money.

Adult bats don't weigh much. They're mainly fur and appetite.

I, also, found the opportunity to work with the actors extremely gratifying and rewarding.

By boldness great fears are cancealed.

Love is the one thing that can really sure-enough lighten all of life's dark clouds.