I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

We will not always be here, so let's make the best use of what we have, when we still have it.

The awareness of the ambiguity of one's highest achievements - as well as one's deepest failures - is a definite symptom of maturity.

Every misogynist came out of a woman.

I had a New Year's kiss once. But it was like, 'Let's start the year off together, ' and then we wound up breaking up the night after!

When we love all the life we see, we see the love in all life.

She really does like him, she likes lying next to him, she wants to be around him; when you get down to it, can you say that about many people?

Love is horrible. I mean, when you're in love, it's like a sickness. Such madness.

For all have not the gift of martyrdom.

Compared with the awesome might and eternal power of the ocean, no human being can fail to be reminded of their own insignificance.

Films are really cool because, every couple months, or however many times you can get a job because there's a lot of luck involved in that, you're playing a different character.