I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Your purpose...should always be to know...the whole that was intended to be known.

How often have the greatest thoughts and ideas come to light during conversations with the family over the evening dinner?

You can't start a movie by having the attitude that the script is finished, because if you think the script is finished, your movie is finished before the first day of shooting.

Our world loses out when the leadership doesn't reflect the led - when a minority makes decisions for the majority.

Great beauty, great strength, and great riches are really and truly of no great use; a right heart exceeds all

When I look at great works of art or listen to inspired music, I sense intimate portraits of the specific times in which they were created.

In terms of other functions, we are making a mistake about insisting on a public school monopoly.

Our will makes constantly a sort of agreement with the world, whereby, if the world will continually show some respect to the will, the will shall consent to be strenuous in its industry.

I don't think a coach becomes the right coach until he wins a championship.

If your reality is the same as my reality, then you're in trouble.