I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Order and reason, beauty and benevolence, are characteristics and conceptions which we find solely associated with the mind of man.

They always tell you to do what you love. But they forget to add that writing doesn't pay by the hour.

The happy man is he who knows his limitations yet bows to no false gods.

Fortunately for serious minds, a bias recognized is a bias sterilized.

That's all I did - that's all I ever did - try to do what Billy Strayhorn did.

An album is like a child and after a while I was ready to give birth!

gun registration is no more complex than the Income Tax system.

The Zen people from Ancient China, "When you're walking, just walk." It turns out to be the hardest thing.

I am just your ordinary, average every day sane psycho, supergoddess.

You cannot of yourself move your arm or alter your position, situation, posture, do to other men good or evil, or effect the least change in the world.