I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

right in this moment, I can´t even remember what unhappy feels like.

Don’t let go of your heart-love, soul mate!

Books, indeed, were his sole luxuries

Nothing spoils a good party like a genius.

I never considered myself a patriot. I like to think I recognize only humanity as my nation.

Women have to work exceptionally hard.

The only judgment that truly matters is the final judgment.

You should always be careful of what you say in parting.

Don't retreat. Instead - reload!