I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The murder of a child has no justification, even if the bombs have missed their mark.

And it's just dawned on me that I might be the author of my own story, but so is everyone else the author of their own stories, and sometimes, like now, there's no overlap.

The sweetest of all sounds is that of the voice of the woman we love.

My deepest belief is that to live as if we're dying can set us free. Dying people teach you to pay attention and to forgive and not to sweat the small things.

Stop invading Muslims lands! How can you expect Muslims to love you when you are forcefully occupying their lands and murdering their people?

Men of great genius and large heart sow the seeds of a new degree of progress in the world, but they bear fruit only after many years.

Sweet is the pleasure itself cannot spoil. Is not true leisure one with true toil?

I'm obsessed with plastic. I like the syntheticness.

The nature of faith is that it must be tried.

Dare to fail. If you never fail, you're never taken risks and that's no way to take on this life.