I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

I vote for whoever will annoy my dad.

I want to write a film. I need to think of the right idea and focus on that; I love writing.

I hope people think of me as a bit older. I do have a beard. That makes me look very old.

I think people respect honesty rather than hiding it.

I love Downton Abbey. It's just great. My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

For the first six months of my stand-up career, I was talking like Danny Dyer. I was doing a lot of 'alright guvnors?' It wasn't true to who I was.

I only got into comedy to get laid

Knowing what's ETERNAL will sustain you through the EPHEMERAL.

It is not the class you come from, but that with which you carry yourself that matters most.

It's important to make women feel confident, because I think they are more important than men.

Trade him for a six pack; it doesn't even have to be cold.

I was stupid, the official descriptive phrase for happy.

I'm really interested in modern history, but to fulfill a History degree at Brown you have to do modern and pre-modern.

I find myself in a new and strange position here: President, cabinet, Gen. Scott, and all deferring to me. By some strange operation of magic I seem to have become the power of the land.

Tolerance it a tremendous virtue, but the immediate neighbors of tolerance are apathy and weakness.

I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.

There is no excellency without difficulty.