I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

My inheritance is grief and sunlight and the ability to choose which to hold on to.

If you help them (the crew) create good memories, they'll forget all the bad stuff

The point is, there is no point. Choose your own!

The eye that mocketh at his father and despiseth to obey his mother the ravens of the valley shall pick it out and the young eagles shall eat it.

I saw my mother in a different light. We all need to do that. You have to be displaced from what's comfortable and routine, and then you get to see things with fresh eyes, with new eyes.

If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!

The only way to survive is by taking care of one another.

If anybody dared say wrestling was fake, you'd punch 'em. And you never used the word show. If you used the word show it was an insult.

You cannot expect your team to rise above your example.

We are and we know we are and we love to be it and know it.