I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Awake my great soul.

You know, 97 percent of the time, if you come into a hospital, everything goes well. But three percent of the time, we have major complications.

Be a good animal, true to your animal instincts.

Television is face acting, and film is eye acting.

Circumstances rule men and not men rule circumstances.

I'm not used to saying I'm gonna do something and i don't do it.

This is what I always tell my filmmakers-you have to do tons of research, because you don't know where the inspiration is going come from.

You should never hesitate to trade your cow for a handful of magic beans.

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.

Always acknowledge your position in the food chain... They eat because you grow the food.