I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

All hail, Queen Shit-of-Liesville!

...the mind that is collectively orientated is quite incapable of thinking and feeling in any other way than by projection.

The CIA is made up of boys whose families sent them to Princeton but wouldn't let them into the family brokerage business.

For better or worse, when you're running for mayor, there's a little bit of a spotlight on you.

The audience will make you feel like a demigod. But when you leave the stage, get back to being human.

If you are idle, you are on the road to ruin; and there are few stopping-places upon it. It is rather a precipice than a road

She was wearing a canary-yellow two-piece bathing suit, one piece of which she would not actually be needing for another nine or ten years.

He who will not listen to any advice, nor be corrected in his writings, is a rank pedant.

Good leaders must first become good servants.

...most men and women will yield to the strong currents sucking them into the seas of ruin. Only the strongest in mind and spirit will swim against that current.