I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5.

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

Before I disappear behind the door, I stop and turn around to look at him.

Optimists are usually wrong. But all the great change in history, positive change, was done by optimists.

A lot of my work comes through accidents or circumstances that just happen to present themselves. I have to realize that something is presenting itself. Otherwise it slips right by.

This Roberto. He no like the light.

It takes fifteen pounds of wild fish to get you one pound of farm tuna. Not very sustainable. It doesn't taste very good either.

My administration will put new American metal into the spine of this nation.

I am always really buzzed after each performance, and at around one in the morning, Ill hit a brick wall and need to sleep.

Unrequited love's a bore.

One of the crises that we have to deal with is a crisis of law enforcement officials that are not physically capable enough to handle without taking out the gun.

Tell your son to stop trying to fill your head with science - for to fill your heart with love is enough!