I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Slang surely, as it is called, comes of, and breathes of the personal

Every time I walk down one of those red carpets, you think I'd be used to it after all these years, but it's like it's happening for the first time.

It'll work, if God, wind, leads, ice, snow, and all the hells of this damned frozen land are willing.

The world is no more than the Beloved's face. And the desire of the One to know its own beauty, we exist.

Goodbyes are overrated.

Maybe a story will cheer you up... Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The End.

Not one person I know isn't concerned with their appearance. To trivialize fashion is to rob ourselves of a great tool.

It's strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.

Many claim I am a photographer of tragedy. In the greater sense I am not, for though I often photograph where the tragic emotion is present, the result is almost invariably affirmative.

Any woman who counts on her face is a fool.