I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

The books we love, they love us back. And just as we mark our places in the pages, those pages leave their marks on us.

It is not always the magnitude of the differences observed between species that must determine specific distinctions, but the constant preservation of those differences in reproduction.

Our deeds determine us as much as we determine our deeds.

Of all unfortunate men one of the unhappiest is a middling author endowed with too lively a sensibility for criticism.

The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

Paintings exist in the present tense, yet somehow, because of how it's structured, it can move backwards through time as well.

Everything really desirable has come about because of, or in spite of, wine!

I believe it to be perfectly possible for an individual to adopt the way of life of the future. . . without having to wait for others to do so.

Aristocracy and exclusiveness tend to final overthrow, in language as in politics.