I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

One thing guaranteed in life is that you’ll experience twists and turns, obstacles, roadblocks, and battles.

The love of liberty is the love of others the love of power is the love of ourselves.

But I always wound up being the damn John, when I wanted to be the Paul.

I am not leaving twitter. If the mindless few defeat the thoughtful majority we are all doomed.

One of the richest countries in the world - the United States of America - is facing a real ethical dilemma in terms of providing equitable access to health care.

She had a hit for every syllable: 'Don't. You. Ever. Talk. To. Me. Like. That. Ever. Again.' That was the last time I ever talked back to Mom.

Boys should abstain from all use of wine until their eighteenth year, for it is wrong to add fire to fire.

I think that the economics of book publishing favor hits with long book runs. You make all your money on the last bunch of books, not the first.

Diversification is protection against ignorance. It makes little sense if you know what you are doing.

I am your servant. You have the right to dismiss me when you please. What you have no right to do is ask me to bear responsibility without the power of action.