I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.

Today is tomorrow’s stepping stone, but for the wise it is a ladder.

Few people know how to be old.

People love kids and kids like to cook.

A poor idea well written is more likely to be accepted than a good idea poorly written

When the people call Earth 'Mother,' they take with love and with love give back so that all may live.

In the sense of media saying this about themselves, I drive to my kids' school in upstate New York through rural Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York; [Donald] Trump signs everywhere.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

I don't want to impose on anyone else and make anyone else emotional or anything. I tend to quietly cry, kind of turn away.