I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

We are most alive when we're in love.

When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

President Bush has proven he'll take a stand and fight for his programs and initiatives. It's the kind of leadership that makes things happen.

For this world that men have made, none of us is bad enough. For the world that made us, none is good enough.

Historically, the British have always been rather wary of grand engineering projects - perhaps understandably, given that many of them have been delivered late and over budget.

Officers must be made to care for their men. That is the sole duty of all officers.

I got a job when I was 15 because my allowance was about $20 a week which in New York was impossible. So I used to waitress across the street from where I grew up.

A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh.

Conservatives have a different view of a lot of issues versus our friends on the other side. The election determines how that shakes out.

A normal life. Such a simple idea, but it's almost impossible for me to picture.