I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Does light go faster when it goes downhill?

Pains are not to be relievedSorrows are not to fade awaya slight change in the visionmay bring a new experience

I'm enjoying myself this year and for once I'm not chasing my fitness.

Crimes sometimes shock us too much; vices almost always too little.

Truth might be stranger than fiction, but it needs a better editor.

Murder and capital punishment are not opposites that cancel one another, but similars that breed their kind. It is the deed that teaches not the name we give it.

I fall in love every time. And I don't really fall in love a lot, but when I do, I fall hard.

Such is human psychology that if we don't express our joy, we soon cease to feel it.

In THE WHISPERS, I played a father, with an amazingly talented actor, Kyle Breitkopf. I've played a dad a lot, so it's nice again to be in that world [in This Is Us].

Retire to the center of your being, which is calmness.