I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.

90% of our Leadership happens when we do not speak.

Show me a man who is a time investor, I will show you a successful man

...after a few days at the desk, telling the truth in an interesting way turns out to be as easy and pleasurable as bathing a cat.

This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary home

However important the struggle is and however much misery and poverty and degradation exist, we know that it cannot be more important than one human life.

...it's not enough to fight for a better world; we also have to live lives worth fighting for.

One must wage war against his predominant passion and not retreat until, with God's help, he has been victorious.

I should rejoice if my pleasures were as pleasing to God as they are to myself.

We maintain the peace through our strength; weakness only invites aggression.