I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Go slow, my life, go slow. Let me enjoy the beauty of silence, serenity, and solitude.

The brain says “it is impossible” and the legs respond “let’s sit down”. The brain says “it is possible” and the legs respond “let’s go to work”. Don’t blame the legs, blame the head.

the truth is that it's far easier to make a bomb than to educate four hundred million people.

As you lecture, you keep watching the faces, and information keeps coming back to you all the time.

Work hard and figure out how to be useful and don't try to imitate anybody else's success. Figure out how to do it for yourself with yourself.

For every man in the world functions to the best of his ability, and no one does less than his best, no matter what he may think about it.

I'm stopped. I'll never eat another burger.

There's nothing like self-improvement to get your friends to like you for who you were.

Redemption implies that your self worth comes at the end. I think it's there from the start. If it's your core values, it's there from day one.

You don't really want to be always thinking about the future, always thinking about where you're heading for. You've got to think about how you're getting there.