I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

And they can’t understand, what hurts more— Missing the other person, or pretending not to.

Anybody amuses me for once. A new acquaintance is like a new book. I prefer it even if bad to a classic.

Hindsight is always zo/20.

I don't have perfect pitch, but I have relative pitch. I'm glad I don't have perfect pitch because perfect pitch can drive you crazy.

All of our effort should be focused on protecting the religious liberties and freedom of conscience for those Americans that profoundly disagree with the decision.

When we realize the degree of agency we actually do have, we no longer have to "hope" at all. We simply do the work.

Once you have a history together, it's just another love for life. Everything is easier. It is just easier to live.

Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.

In the same way that a powerful medicine cures an illness, so illness itself is a medicine to cure passion. And there is much profit of soul in bearing illness quietly and giving thanks to God.

I basically go to the gym three times a week to do weight training for one or two hours.