I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Remember: to succeed beyond your wildest dreams you need some pretty wild dreams to begin with.

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote, you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

I think maybe miracles are something everybody has to find out about for themselves. Telling them about it doesn’t make them believe. It just makes them think you’re crazy as a bessie bug.

You can either be the victim of your own life, or the victor".

If we would have new knowledge, we must get a whole world of new questions.

JavaScript is the world's most misunderstood programming language.

It is impossible to talk or to write without apparently throwing oneself helplessly open.

I mope around less. It is horrible. I miss it.

All women love Colin Firth: Mr. Darcy, Mark Darcy, George VI—at this point he could play the Craigslist Killer and people would be like, 'Oh my God, the Craigslist Killer has the most boyish smile!

I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, & am content.