I can drink on the job if I want to. I can go on stage with a beer and it's OK. I can say whatever I want. It's a great job to have.

I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious.

When I was little, there were three channels.

If I do the same act that I did in 1995, in essence you're saying (in a robotic voice), 'My mind has never changed'

Kids today know way more than you think they do, with the Internet and 500 TV channels.

You can either go home with enough money or enough excuses, but not both!

Somewhere, someone is search for the pieces of you that mold well with theirs.

I don't.""Don't what?" She asked, somewhat puzzled."I don't know many things. The only thing I know is that I know nothing.

Um, yeah. I guess lying around reading books all day doesn't do much for physical endurance.

It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.

I guess I am attracted to older women. I'm looking for a 40-something who has had her heart broken two or three hundred times. She's going to be fun!

A man's life from birth to death was a series of transition rites which brought him nearer and nearer to his ancestors.

I think we're lied to about a number of things.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Women are fighters. They will fight and fight and fight to get what they need, especially if they have children.