I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

No doubt alcohol tobacco and so forth are things that a saint must avoid but sainthood is also a thing that human beings must avoid.

I'd always rather be working - and you know what? My kids would rather me be working. If I stay at home, I'll only buy another car or spend their money.

It's the most important decision I've had to make since 1978 when I decided to get abikini wax. [On his running for California Governor]

Nobody ever had too many of them (pitchers).

Trust is something that happens within people only when it is created between people.

I love being directed. Because it's another thought, it's another fresh idea. You're so grateful for an original idea that you haven't had.

This is the thing, I'm not fazed by what people say about me because I know who I am and what I've been through.

I played piano for about two years when I was a kid. I didn't play long enough to be really great.

Occasional war is one of the rigorous instruments in the hands of Providence to give tone to the character of nations.

In mystical traditions, it is one's own readiness that makes experiences exoteric or esoteric. The secret isn't that you're not being told. The secret is that you're not able to hear.