I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder yes but divorce never.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

We grow hostile to many an artist or writer, not because we finally come to see he has deceived us, but because he thought no subtler means were required to ensnare us.

I thought I would have a quiet pint ... and about 17 noisy ones.

You don't know how many people come up to me and say, 'This child was conceived listening to you.'

He can feel no little wants who is in pursuit of grandeur.

The College World Series, that's the end-all deal as a college player. To get a chance to play in the World Series and win it, that was surreal.

Creativity reduces instinctual tension, it fuses pleasure with reality, and satisfies the libido.

It is one of the dangerous self-deceptions of our society to pretend that mechanisms of control do not really exist, and to maintain, without qualification, that we are an economically "free" people.

I think the important thing now, getting closer to the pitch counts, it feels like I got something left. I felt I could have gone out and thrown another 20-25 pitches.