I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Adversities define what you're made of. Success is you're reward for overcoming them

I don't own you, you just belong to me.

When they realized they were in the desert, they built a religion to worship thirstiness.

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming.

People want to be happy, and all the other things they want are typically meant to be a means to that end.

What is perfection anyway in the physical? It is an idea we have. When it doesn't happen we get all bent out of shape and frustrated and angry and then unhappy, we take it out on everybody.

My mother was an artist and highly strung, whereas my father was much calmer.

I've been around a long time, and life still has a whole lot of surprises for me.

I understand that change is frightening for people, especially if there's nothing to go to. It's best to stay where you are. I understand that.

I went into the family business. To me, it was the norm and not the exception.