I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Lord, forgive us for the times we have read about Gethsemane with dry eyes.

Heaven set couples for babies' birth.

It is only the wife, and not just any woman, who constitutes the noble soil that produces excellent fruits

Fichte is concerned with freedom as non-domination.

Go first class all the way and the universe will respond by giving you the best.

Since my illness, I've felt the presence of my angels.

I am of the order whose purpose is not to teach the world a lesson but to explain that school is over.

I had to wait for someone special. Someone who would make my heart feel as if it's been trampled by elephants, thrown into the amazon, and eaten by piranhas.

Make an exercise out of everything you can’t do.

There is only one thing about which I am certain, and this is that there is very little about which one can be certain