I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

The spell...curled around...like smoke before settling in.Sophie: "Okay, do you guys feel protected?"Archer: "Yes. Also a little violated, but that's neither here nor there.

The best thing is the combined effect of nicotine with alcohol, greater than the sum of the two parts.

Experience is the teacher of all things.

Bush wasn't elected, he was selected - selected by five judges up in Washington who voted along party lines.

It's not a certain society that seems ridiculous to me, it's mankind.

Music is not the only reason that I practice Buddhism anymore because it has affected my whole life.

I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.

I've heard some tunes in recent years that were pretty close to that same idea. The idea was you turn on the radio and you want to hear some music and up comes a commercial.

I just keep pinching myself that that's my wife.

Free men must live simple lives and have simple pleasures.