I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

Just because you have a brain doesn't mean you are conscious

The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.

The darkest experiences in a human being's life allow that person to either go deeper and stay depressed or get the strength to stand up stronger than ever, and that's my case.

I enjoy being happy every day, and hopefully you can hear my happiness in my music. Life is beautiful.

Anger requires energy, something I don't dare waste on what cannot be altered.

It's wrong for someone to confiscate your money, give it to someone else, and call that "compassion."

I am poor - obscure - just eighteen years of age - with a rapacious appetite for everything and principles as light as my purse.

Well, it's not my fault that you can't manage your money.' You threw away my purse.' I thought it was an enemy.

It is all too easy to mistake passion that can change its mind for fundamentalism, which never will.

I don't know where I'd be without you here with me. Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend.