I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Music is the language of the universe

Language is the light of the mind.

Identity and self-belief: a courage that swells from within, borne of waters drunk deeply.

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment.

Corporate conglomerates run without regulation do not work in the service of society, and run reckless and unchecked whenever possible.

I keep telling my kids - whether you achieve your goal or not is not the most important thing. Putting yourself in position to achieve those goals is what's important.

If the church does not identify with the marginalized, it will itself be marginalized. This is God's poetic justice.

A skunk by any other name still stinks.

Whatever you do, you should do it with feeling.