I can't figure Twitter out. The way Twitter is formatted, I can't tell who is saying something and who's replying to something. I don't know who the tweeter is and who's responding to the twit.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

Poverty is not the root cause of crime.

Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the ballot box.

We're not sexists, we're chauvinists - we're male chauvinist pigs, and we're happy to be because we think that's what men were destined to be. We think that's what women want.

End results that work that don’t involve government threaten liberals.

You know why there's a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one.

Styrofoam and plastic milk jugs are biodegradable! Do you know what isn't biodegradable? Paper!

I think cigars are just a tremendous addition to the enjoyment of life.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

In a country of children where the option is Santa Claus or work, what wins?

No one likes change... but babies in diapers.

Some have said we must not act until the threat is imminent. Since when have terrorists and tyrants announced their intentions, politely putting us on notice before they strike?

Granddaddy can pick up a phone and call anyone in the world and they will take his call. But he doesn't know it.

The great menace to the life of an industry is industrial self-complacency.

I just love dealing with people whose idea of sometimes is every thousand years,” I said.

The terrible newly imported American doctrine that everyone ought to do something.

When two people are meant to be together, they will be together. It's fate.

Writing's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy.

Life is a whoopee cushion, a chair pulled away just as you were taking a seat.

A Russian Reversal quote on Uncyclopedia's Soviet Union article? How original.