I can't go off all crazy like that and reward someone a ton of money.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

The great bell of Beaulieu was ringing. Far away through the forest might be heard its musical clangor and swell.

Hunting is doing business with animals.

I'm a more mature actress now.

Power is the ability not to have to please.

It's my favorite thing to do: luxurious nothing.

As costly as it was in the lives of our men and women in uniform, in military assets, and in esteem and pride, Pearl Harbor was a watershed moment for America.

I like superheroes. I like the drama of it, the stirring, larger-than-life aspect.

My favorite thing about being a father is just seeing my kids grow and do some of the same things that I did when I was a kid, man.

The foundation of authority is based upon the consent of the people.

I love pop and rap. Bringing those two worlds together is always fun.