I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Oh my god! Madison, what is with you and non-human guys?

When we connect with ourselves in love we can connect with others and the planet in love.

Do not work so hard for Christ that you have no strength to pray for prayer requires strength.

I would meet directly with the leadership in Iran.

I will always fight for my life for Liverpool, and that will be on and off the field.

I think in life, there are certain choices you make that are timeless and universal, and don't necessarily have anything to do with the particulars of a certain decade.

They're on our right, they're on our left, they're in front of us, they're behind us; they can't get away from us this time.

What I understand by "philosopher": a terrible explosive in the presence of which everything is in danger.

Story is about originality, not duplication

I was never famous as a kid. That's the biggest difference between me and any other kid actor is that I wasn't famous as a kid.