I can't picture in my mind three hundred and sixty thousand dollars... When I think of it, all I can see in my mind is a big nickel.

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.

Thank your readers and the critics who praise you, and then ignore them. Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: Write to please yourself.

I don't mind you thinking I'm stupid, but don't talk to me like I'm stupid.

K is for "Kenghis Khan"; He was a very nice person. History has no record of him. There is a moral in that, somewhere.

In these days of widespread illiteracy, functional illiteracy... anything that keeps people stupid is a felony.

The world is turning into a cesspool of imbeciles.

You must never be afraid to go there.

They minute people fall in love they become liars.

Posing the question: does the god of love use underarm deodorant, vaginal spray and fluoride toothpaste?

The divine light of our hearts will brighten the days of darkness.

You cannot win your future if you cannot forgive your past

There's nothing like the sight of an old enemy down on his luck.

I was a tap dancer as a child, so I understand precision and repetition.

Bodies devoid of mind are as statues in the market place.

His nature is such that our often coming does not tire him. The whole burden of the whole life of every man may be rolled on to God and not weary him, though it has wearied man.

The theologian who labours without joy is not a theologian at all.

The Princess Mahiya, and she is mine.

Thanks to Bart Simpson, I have a pretty good life.

Banking is very good business if you don't do anything dumb.