I can't prove it, but I can say it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

when you conspire with your inspirations, you have a lead to success

I can say I didn't win, but I can't say that I didn't try.

When I was growing up, I thought I'd be a lot happier if I was famous and successful and if I had money.

We say keep your change, we'll keep our God, our guns, our constitution.

I like to work with children because their way of reacting to the world is simple, and they are innocent.

I'm not angry. Everybody thinks I'm so angry because I have a point of view. They're expecting me to just be all Smucker's Jam.

Come, sing now, sing; for I know you sing well; I see you have a singing face.

I relate to hustlers who want to get out of where they are and create something different for themselves.

The most I've smoked in a day was over an ounce, in Germany.

There is a proverb that says, ‘Talk so that I may know who you are.’ But I say, ‘Show me your eyes and I will know who you are.