I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

You have been in every way all that anyone could be... If anybody could have saved me it would have been you.

Watergate is the great liberal illusion that you can have public virtue without private morality.

No god save self, that is the way to live.

Sometimes I joke that I'm an Elizabethan who's had the misfortune to be alive during the reign of the wrong Elizabeth.

Eros is very close to death. And both things, in a way, balance each other.

It's awful bad luck to bring a woman aboard the ship." "It's awful worse luck not to.

When we truly embrace acceptance, that's when our body exhales and can begin healing.

The intellectual is a middle-class product; if he is not born into the class he must soon insert himself into it, in order to exist. He is the fine nervous flower of the bourgeoisie.

One of the basic causes for all the trouble in the world today is that people talk too much and think too little. They act impulsively without thinking. I always try to think before I talk.

A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.