I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Don't think you're living when you just exist!

[Donald Trump] will appoint an attorney general, who will send very clear messages about how law enforcement is to be pursued in this country.

When you have that first flash of what you think is going to be a great idea-from the mouth, from the hands-that's an amazing feeling. I don't think anything's quite as good as that.

This was what happened after you'd been together with someone a long time. You loved that it was old and worn and comfy, but sometimes it was old and worn and comfy.

I wouldn't say I'm normal. But I'm relatively stable. When I think of normal, I think of mediocrity, and mediocrity scares the f--- out of me.

I would like the last of the kings to be strangled by the guts of the last priest.

Anything worth having is going to be hard

Conor was no longer invisible. They all saw him now. But he was further away than ever.

The corporate outings were fun, but after doing them for 25 years, they got to be a little old hat.

But having had your bright, fresh, original idea, the really hard part is turning it into a successful product. That's what takes all the sweat.