I can teach you to jump up in five seconds-it takes years to learn how to land properly.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn't have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

If you want to split a bottle with a friend, then Sammy Hagar is your guy. If you want to split your friend with a bottle than give me a call.

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

Always remember that your memoir is never about you. It's about your reader. At it's core, it's about that shared space where we all experience the timeless truths of what it means to be human.

How you matter is defined by the things that matter to you. You matter as much as the things that matter to you do.

Ah, cariad, finally I have you to myself, with a bed behind me, and what do I do?

Some friends of mine who are actors feel directing shuts them down and kills all their impulses, but the worst thing for me is if I feel a director hasn't noticed.

You never know what even the bad situations will lead to, which I guess is true with anything in life.

The Lives of Great Men are more oft' at variance with their profess'd Phillosophies than consistent with 'em.

Whatever it is that pulls the pin, that hurls you past the boundaries of your own life into a brief and total beauty, even for a moment, it is enough.

All the fatt's in the fire.

Old age, especially an honored old age, has so great authority, that this is of more value than all the pleasures of youth.

I'd move to Los Angeles if New Zealand and Australia were swallowed up by a tidal wave, if there was a bubonic plague in England and if the continent of Africa disappeared from some Martian attack.