I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Rather a drink be my master than a man.

Research is a way of taking calculated risks to bring about incalculable consequences.

And if you think I won't say bulls**t to the President, I say move on, cause I'll say what's on my mind.

I think often times when people choose to be part of a charity; it's usually because something is very personal.

Sometimes I think your life and mine are under the protection of some supreme being or fate , because, after many years of parallel thought, we find ourselves in the positions we now occupy.

There's nothing there — get rid of that!

I entertain for a living and I role-play for a living and I can’t help but continue to do it.

I argue in this paper that we are on the edge of change comparable to the rise of human life on Earth.

The problem is that most courses teach what is wrong.

Two voices are there; one is of the sea, One of the mountains: each a mighty Voice.