I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

As I've said, there were patriots who supported this war, and patriots who opposed it. And all of us are united in appreciation for our servicemen and women, and our hopes for Iraqis' future.

the apathy and inattention of the average citizen is beyond comprehension.

The conductor has the advantage of not seeing the audience.

The more conscious I am of the work God has yet to do in me, the less critical I am about what he has yet to do in you

We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink.

Stay true in the dark, and humble in the spotlight.

With independents[films] you sort of make them on the go and there is that little bit more creative freedom. You don't have the money to slow down!

As long as the mind is enslaved, the body can never be free. Psychological freedom, a firm sense of self-esteem, is the most powerful weapon against the long night of physical slavery.

You must ask for what you really want. / Don't go back to sleep. / The door is round and open. / Don't go back to sleep.

I say, Lord, do right be me, I'm tired of being lonesome, on'ry, and mean.