I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Faith and belief are not measured by the size of the miracle but the integrity of our soul.

September drank in the starry sky with a longing and a tugging and a sigh. All the way up, to that enormous crescent in the black.

You shouldn't get to live in society and give nothing back. People complain about their taxes, yet they do nothing for the community. That makes me furious.

I view my pitching on how confident I was out there, period. And if I lose that confidence, I can become a prisoner of my own mind.

Wherever humans garden magnificently, there are magnificent heartbreaks.

How sweet it is to die if one has lived on the Cross!

I enter the world called real as one enters a mist.

Maybe we don't have the same definition of about what's beautiful. So define it. Define true beauty.

I am Classic Rock Revisited. I revisit it every waking moment of my life because it has the spirit and the attitude and the fire and the middle finger. I am Rosa Parks with a Gibson guitar.

A tale in everything.