I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Love as river loves the ocean.Love as air loves the leaves.

We human beings are created and yet we are more rational than the creator himself who spawned us.

The weakness of so many modern Christians is that they feel too much at home in the world

Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff.

And lo and behold, my diabolical plan is working.

Everyone eats and drinks; yet only few appreciate the taste of food.

Consciousness is the screen. The images on the screen are your perceptions, the illusion that life is solid, that there is a material universe.

The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.

Go into yourself. Dig into yourself for a deep answer

The man realized that what counted was not where a person lived, but how a person lived.