I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

If I were asked for a one-sentence sound bite on religion, I would say I was against it.

We think that tomorrow, unless we surrender, they may drop the moon on us." "You're joking.""Wish I was.

I would like my life to be a movie so I could cut to a montage.

Space plus whatever you feel equals more whatever you feel, marvelous for happiness, God save you otherwise.

The observer, when he seems to himself to be observing a stone, is really, if physics is to be believed, observing the effects of the stone upon himself.

I take a lot of pride in playing for the Yankees, and trying to do things the right way.

Women stand for the objective world for a man. They stand for the thing that you're not and that's what you always reach for in a song.

Every era in history has needed, and will need, reproductive health services.

Untouchability is an error of long standing.

...To the Dolphin alone, beyond all other, nature has granted what the best philosophers seek: friendship for no advantage