I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

The lesser the baggage you have, the easiest will be the travelling in this world

I want to live in a society where people are intoxicated with the joy of making things

Maybe we tried to leave as much memories of ourselves with each other because we knew one day we wouldn't be together any more.

So I do not pray. I accept the means at my disposal for working out my destiny. It seems to me that I have been given a mind and will power for that very purpose.

The president felt that it was important to send an ordinary citizen to experience the excitement of space travel as a representative for all Americans.

Let children feed on the good, the excellent, the great! Don't get in their way with little lectures, facts, and guided tours!

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

I know all about dreams that make you want to scream.

We measure the value of a civilized society by the number of #‎ libraries it opens, not the number it closes down.