I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

As long as greed is the root of all evil, there will not be peace.Get rid of selfishness and greed too will disappear.

As places of learning, schools have a responsibility to also educate on nutrition, which we all can agree is far more important than algebra, no matter what your third-period teacher claims.

Imagination is the highest kite one can fly.

The application of military force, or the prospect of such application, inhibits terrorist violence.

We must also take this opportunity to learn from the situation [of Brexit], just as we learned from the refugee and debt crises.

The best way to make a small fortune in racing is to start with a big one.

I knew Slash in high school, but not very well. Just knew him as this kid that used to hang out in the hallway. Pretty much looked then the way he does now.

I know what nuns are, kind of. It's just I never saw one. I didn't know they looked like penguins.

Donald Trump has taken over the Republican Party. He's transformed the Republican Party.

I had success early on where I'm able to try to keep it fun, and I don't have to do things just for the sake of making a living, which a lot of my musician friends don't have that luxury of course.