I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Failure Is Not Permanent, So Is The Success. So, Don't Look Down Upon People Who Are Failed While You're Succeeded. Table Can Turn Anytime. Be Gentle To Every Creation, It Ain't Cost A Thing....

My God, Judge, do men believe whatever lie they hear about an enemy?

My stories are never quite good enough

We were blood brothers, pals forever. He was my very best friend. Nobody else could see him. I now know he was just pretend.

Poverty ... It is life near the bone, where it is sweetest.

When your life is over, the world will ask you only one question: 'Did you do what you were supposed to do?'

To live as fully, as completely as possible, to be happy ... is the true aim and end to life.

It is only too clear that man is not at home within this universe, and yet that he is not good enough to deserve a better.

As we learned a bitter lesson with the launch of the Nintendo 3DS, we are trying to take every possible measure so that the Wii U will have a successful launch.

I have learned that if this is what I am going to do, and do it well, then I have to avoid drinking.